I love you all. I'm so sorry for what has happened. Although, none of it was in my control or my intention. I never meant to run out on you, I love you all so much. You're still my family, forever, no matter what. You are all so beautiful and amazing, you make me happy and there will never be another who can fill the spaces you hold in my heart, my memory, and my life.
I deeply miss you all. I miss being apart of your lives and family. I wish that I could so easily walk back into your lives and be apart, but I know that I don't have that place. With the current situation-- it's just not my place. I will never stop interceding for you all, and loving you all.
To Hun & Bud,
No matter what happens my darlings, I will never stop being here for you. I love you so much, just as if you were my niece and nephew. I am always here for you forever. You have my number and you can call or text me whenever you need me. I'll come for you. Because you're wonderful and amazing, and incredible--the two of you.
I write this all because today, as I was running around and cleaning and being productive, my darling Bud--Josiah text me. He hasn't actually text me or anything since the break up. Which I completely understand. But today.. he did--as curious as that is. He text me to see how I was doing and I loved that, it made my day. I love that kid, he's an amazing young man. He's the nephew I never had. As our conversation went on he brought up the whole situation between his uncle and I. And I obviously couldn't ignore that and lie to him; I did my best to explain to him what happened--he asked me to tell him the story of what happened. What broke my heart was when he said he didn't know how he felt about it, and he said that when his uncle and I were together that we really seemed to be in love and he didn't get why it was over. I went on to explain that we were in love, and I still love him today but that I was respecting and honoring his decision to wait and see what God has in store for us.
I will never stop loving that family, they will always have my heart.
<3 May
Friday, June 15, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Divine Romace, I'm completely satisfied.
His arms are where I belong. I belong to Jesus.
<3
I'm sitting here, in the glory with Papa's arms wrapped around me. Feeling completely spoiled. But what can I say? I'm a daughter of the King of Kings, I'm His little Princess. I don't have to prove myself, I'm Daddy's little girl. That's just all there is to it.
"Oh How He Loves"
As I was sitting here on my couch just thinking, praying, & worshiping, I flashed back to this moment when I remember completely being swept away by the Father's heart for me. I remember how it felt, the aching in my chest as I cried out for Him & His unfailing love. I remember that I was literally on my face, bawling my eyes out. I knew that I was no where worthy of His love, His presence; Him. But still, He looked at me & He put his hand on my shoulder, telling me that He loved me, more than my own comprehension of what love really was. I stayed there, crying, feeling completely engulfed in him. I remember that moment better than any other I'm sure. All because that was an encounter that changed my life. At the time I was broken, I was confused, & all because I was a fighter, fighting for something I didn't realize Dad was holding as I was pulling it away. Yes, I was playing tugawar with God. I thought I knew what was good for me, what I wanted, what I was doing--I was wrong, completely. & in that moment, that encounter, I finally let go & just as I let go of the rope, I felt myself fall on my butt. Feeling completely idiotic for holding onto something that now looks so unappealing, frivolous, stupid, & just wrong. As I sat there, Dad just kept telling me there was so much more. He kept saying that I was worth more, that He had more. & ever since, I've been going after it.
And I don't plan on ever forgetting this divine romance that He gave me so long ago. My heart is set on going deeper.
May
<3
I'm sitting here, in the glory with Papa's arms wrapped around me. Feeling completely spoiled. But what can I say? I'm a daughter of the King of Kings, I'm His little Princess. I don't have to prove myself, I'm Daddy's little girl. That's just all there is to it.
"Oh How He Loves"
As I was sitting here on my couch just thinking, praying, & worshiping, I flashed back to this moment when I remember completely being swept away by the Father's heart for me. I remember how it felt, the aching in my chest as I cried out for Him & His unfailing love. I remember that I was literally on my face, bawling my eyes out. I knew that I was no where worthy of His love, His presence; Him. But still, He looked at me & He put his hand on my shoulder, telling me that He loved me, more than my own comprehension of what love really was. I stayed there, crying, feeling completely engulfed in him. I remember that moment better than any other I'm sure. All because that was an encounter that changed my life. At the time I was broken, I was confused, & all because I was a fighter, fighting for something I didn't realize Dad was holding as I was pulling it away. Yes, I was playing tugawar with God. I thought I knew what was good for me, what I wanted, what I was doing--I was wrong, completely. & in that moment, that encounter, I finally let go & just as I let go of the rope, I felt myself fall on my butt. Feeling completely idiotic for holding onto something that now looks so unappealing, frivolous, stupid, & just wrong. As I sat there, Dad just kept telling me there was so much more. He kept saying that I was worth more, that He had more. & ever since, I've been going after it.
And I don't plan on ever forgetting this divine romance that He gave me so long ago. My heart is set on going deeper.
May
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I'll Be Home For Christmas.
That sentence just makes me sigh.
For a few reasons. I'm excited, I get to see my sisters, my grandma, Heather Brynn, Katie, Azriel, baby Chloe, fiancee-Philip, Hun-Baby Loida, Siah, Geri, Mama Parker, and my mom and dad. My heart feels like it's already there, and yet, I feel so far away from my little hometown--Vallejo, Ca. Oh dear. This past week has been my two week process and preparation to get ready to go home and persevere to the promise that my family will fall in love with the Lord. That my parents will understand what the heck I'm doing all the way over here in Redding, Ca. My heart is one hundred and twenty percent for what Papa God wants to do on this trip, but I know that I have to be ready for anything. I know that I have to be on point; of course be myself and let love win that way. But also just remain connected to His heart and know at all times what is going on. I'm so ready to be home with Philip by my side. I love him so much, and I've definitely missed him. It was funny last night we talked about how I felt Holy Spirit give me visions and strategic things to do when I get home and just be able to love, bless, and pour out on every one there.
Yesterday Philip and I started our negativity fast. We don't even know how long we're supposed to do this, but we are until Dad says we're done. I think it's good, because we both want to remain in the state of thankfulness, because Dad has blessed us both so much and we're in such a new season and we just wanna stay obedient, thankful, and in a place of peace, love, and joy. :) so here we go. Not only that, but we're gonna start soaking together! Way excited!
Overflow, overflow, overflow. Everything that is poured out of us should first come from being saturated in Father's heart before attempting to give to others. We have to receive from the Father. It cannot just be a small portion that only sustains us, otherwise we will only exhaust ourselves spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When we pour out the fire, passion, love, peace, joy, righteousness of Dad we have to make sure that it's all out the overflow. Philip and I have both been learning this. The crazy thing is that lately we've been really on point together and apart. Holy Spirit is just so good. It's true the more that you spend with the Father, the more you look, act, and sound like Him. We're seeing the fruit of our time in the secret place with Dad, and we're so thankful and excited about what He's doing.
I'm just in such a place of pure thankfulness and joyfulness. I feel the Holy Spirit doing such a work in me, as well as Philip. Thank you Papa for all that you have for he and I. You are so good. I am such a thankful daughter.
"Everything good comes from you, Father of lights"
May<3 <3
For a few reasons. I'm excited, I get to see my sisters, my grandma, Heather Brynn, Katie, Azriel, baby Chloe, fiancee-Philip, Hun-Baby Loida, Siah, Geri, Mama Parker, and my mom and dad. My heart feels like it's already there, and yet, I feel so far away from my little hometown--Vallejo, Ca. Oh dear. This past week has been my two week process and preparation to get ready to go home and persevere to the promise that my family will fall in love with the Lord. That my parents will understand what the heck I'm doing all the way over here in Redding, Ca. My heart is one hundred and twenty percent for what Papa God wants to do on this trip, but I know that I have to be ready for anything. I know that I have to be on point; of course be myself and let love win that way. But also just remain connected to His heart and know at all times what is going on. I'm so ready to be home with Philip by my side. I love him so much, and I've definitely missed him. It was funny last night we talked about how I felt Holy Spirit give me visions and strategic things to do when I get home and just be able to love, bless, and pour out on every one there.
Yesterday Philip and I started our negativity fast. We don't even know how long we're supposed to do this, but we are until Dad says we're done. I think it's good, because we both want to remain in the state of thankfulness, because Dad has blessed us both so much and we're in such a new season and we just wanna stay obedient, thankful, and in a place of peace, love, and joy. :) so here we go. Not only that, but we're gonna start soaking together! Way excited!
Overflow, overflow, overflow. Everything that is poured out of us should first come from being saturated in Father's heart before attempting to give to others. We have to receive from the Father. It cannot just be a small portion that only sustains us, otherwise we will only exhaust ourselves spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When we pour out the fire, passion, love, peace, joy, righteousness of Dad we have to make sure that it's all out the overflow. Philip and I have both been learning this. The crazy thing is that lately we've been really on point together and apart. Holy Spirit is just so good. It's true the more that you spend with the Father, the more you look, act, and sound like Him. We're seeing the fruit of our time in the secret place with Dad, and we're so thankful and excited about what He's doing.
I'm just in such a place of pure thankfulness and joyfulness. I feel the Holy Spirit doing such a work in me, as well as Philip. Thank you Papa for all that you have for he and I. You are so good. I am such a thankful daughter.
"Everything good comes from you, Father of lights"
May<3 <3
Friday, November 18, 2011
Time goes by,
things happen, things change. For better, for worse. It happens and there's no stoppin' it.
I'm thankful.
Three months ago I on my way to growing up in a way I didn't realize was happening even as it was happening. It didn't hit me, and most days it still doesn't. The truth is...I moved out. I live on my own, without my family back home. I did this by myself. That blows me away.
I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom. So glad, so thankful, so blessed knowing where I am is where I belong; it's where Dad has called me to be. For such a time as this. Three months ago I remember waking up early in the morning to get my car all packed up and ready for my journey--my adventure away from home; all on my own. I remember my fiance calling to ask what my sisters, mom, and I wanted from Starbucks that morning; like it was completely normal. Shortly after I told him, he hung up, and said he'd be over shortly. I remember sitting in what used to be my bedroom and he telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I look back and just stand amazed. I've been so blessed, the Lord has had so much favor on my life, in every situation. Truly, my heart is thankful.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, get dressed, finish packing my things with my sister and best friends Alexander and Samantha Andrea and we will wait for my boy and momma to show up. Then we'll hang out, eat some breakfast, and be on our way.
<3 I stand truly amazed, blessed, and thankful.
Thank you Jesus.
May
I'm thankful.
Three months ago I on my way to growing up in a way I didn't realize was happening even as it was happening. It didn't hit me, and most days it still doesn't. The truth is...I moved out. I live on my own, without my family back home. I did this by myself. That blows me away.
I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom. So glad, so thankful, so blessed knowing where I am is where I belong; it's where Dad has called me to be. For such a time as this. Three months ago I remember waking up early in the morning to get my car all packed up and ready for my journey--my adventure away from home; all on my own. I remember my fiance calling to ask what my sisters, mom, and I wanted from Starbucks that morning; like it was completely normal. Shortly after I told him, he hung up, and said he'd be over shortly. I remember sitting in what used to be my bedroom and he telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I look back and just stand amazed. I've been so blessed, the Lord has had so much favor on my life, in every situation. Truly, my heart is thankful.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, get dressed, finish packing my things with my sister and best friends Alexander and Samantha Andrea and we will wait for my boy and momma to show up. Then we'll hang out, eat some breakfast, and be on our way.
<3 I stand truly amazed, blessed, and thankful.
Thank you Jesus.
May
Sunday, November 13, 2011
"Praise the Lord all my soul, & let all that's within in me, Praise His name."
Oh, Jesus, you're beautiful!
Oh divine, spirit lead, appointments. So blessed, honored, and incredibly--undeniably thankful! Daddy has given me so much favor and blessed me, my life, and my relationships with amazing-anointed world changers. Church was so good, it was a lot of the same thing that Beni spoke on this past week at school. So amazing and just such great revelation. I had a really weird painful headache all this morning and it was crazy when I saw Angela in service I felt a peace and the headache lift off of me and I was healed. But I then just felt her on my heart to pray for her, so I did. Come to find out that she's been having a problem with horrible migraines and it's because of her family line. She went and waited to ask Papa Bill to pray for her. And as we waited for her, Sam and I were just in receiving mode standing in close distance and presence of Beni. So finally I got up the courage just to ask for her to pray for Sammy and I. We were just so blessed and honored by her and we just told her and she was so loving. Amazing! So glorious she released everything she spoke on and Bill as well and she just blessed us and it was so amazing! Then Angels got prayed over by Bill and Beni and they just broke off all the migraines. Then I told her how I had gotten the word of knowledge about the migraines and she asked me to pray for her and release my healing so that was dope too. Then we all got in the car and were gonna go home but then we ended up going out for lunch to Indian food. Which btw, today I found out I actually quite enjoy it. But anyways. On the way there we just worshiped together and talked. Somehow we got on the subject of future husbands and relationships or whatever. So it came out about Philip and I. Thanks to Sam & Lori. haha But yea, so they all asked to hear the divine testimony of our relationship. Good times. I ended up giving it and afterwards the girls just like asked questions and it was cool, Bethany (Claire's friend visiting from Scotland) asked for like my advice and just encouragement on how you know when God tells you about your future spouse and all of these details. It was really amazing and just new revelation for me because it opened my eyes to the fact that I really am doing it right. It wasn't only encouraging for the girls but it was really humbling, honoring, and encouraging for me personally to share my heart and everything. It was truly just a blessed morning and afternoon. So thankful.
Thank you Jesus.
May<3
Oh divine, spirit lead, appointments. So blessed, honored, and incredibly--undeniably thankful! Daddy has given me so much favor and blessed me, my life, and my relationships with amazing-anointed world changers. Church was so good, it was a lot of the same thing that Beni spoke on this past week at school. So amazing and just such great revelation. I had a really weird painful headache all this morning and it was crazy when I saw Angela in service I felt a peace and the headache lift off of me and I was healed. But I then just felt her on my heart to pray for her, so I did. Come to find out that she's been having a problem with horrible migraines and it's because of her family line. She went and waited to ask Papa Bill to pray for her. And as we waited for her, Sam and I were just in receiving mode standing in close distance and presence of Beni. So finally I got up the courage just to ask for her to pray for Sammy and I. We were just so blessed and honored by her and we just told her and she was so loving. Amazing! So glorious she released everything she spoke on and Bill as well and she just blessed us and it was so amazing! Then Angels got prayed over by Bill and Beni and they just broke off all the migraines. Then I told her how I had gotten the word of knowledge about the migraines and she asked me to pray for her and release my healing so that was dope too. Then we all got in the car and were gonna go home but then we ended up going out for lunch to Indian food. Which btw, today I found out I actually quite enjoy it. But anyways. On the way there we just worshiped together and talked. Somehow we got on the subject of future husbands and relationships or whatever. So it came out about Philip and I. Thanks to Sam & Lori. haha But yea, so they all asked to hear the divine testimony of our relationship. Good times. I ended up giving it and afterwards the girls just like asked questions and it was cool, Bethany (Claire's friend visiting from Scotland) asked for like my advice and just encouragement on how you know when God tells you about your future spouse and all of these details. It was really amazing and just new revelation for me because it opened my eyes to the fact that I really am doing it right. It wasn't only encouraging for the girls but it was really humbling, honoring, and encouraging for me personally to share my heart and everything. It was truly just a blessed morning and afternoon. So thankful.
Thank you Jesus.
May<3
Friday, November 11, 2011
I have my moments..I feel.
Trust me, I'm not perfect. I mess up, I hurt, I get tired, I feel alone, I feel sensitive, I feel not good enough. I'm a human woman. What can I do?
I'm not a robot, I'm not superhuman. I feel.
All day, I've just taken time to rest. Write, draw, watch movies, spend time with Sam.
But moments like this definitely don't help anything. I can't keep it together all the time. It just doesn't happen. It doesn't work like that.
I'm not really sure what to even say right now. I just feel ehh. I'm not overwhelmed, it's just that sometimes I need someone & lately I haven't had that. I don't always feel loved by the people around me. I love everyone around me, but just sometimes..I need that spontaneous love.. I could use a hug right now. From either my best friends or my parents or my sisters or brothers. I just can't do this on my own.
I'm not a robot, I'm not superhuman. I feel.
All day, I've just taken time to rest. Write, draw, watch movies, spend time with Sam.
But moments like this definitely don't help anything. I can't keep it together all the time. It just doesn't happen. It doesn't work like that.
I'm not really sure what to even say right now. I just feel ehh. I'm not overwhelmed, it's just that sometimes I need someone & lately I haven't had that. I don't always feel loved by the people around me. I love everyone around me, but just sometimes..I need that spontaneous love.. I could use a hug right now. From either my best friends or my parents or my sisters or brothers. I just can't do this on my own.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
"My heart is singing this one thing."
I'm so filled up right now. Like I hardly can sit still to type this.
I just have to though. haha So much glory. I'm so thankful. Like I'm thankful to pieces, to tears I'm so thankful. I'm loved. I'm worth it. I was worth dying for. My best friend: Jesus:) He died for me, when he asked Papa if there was any other way he remembered me. Because I'm his favorite. He loves me. There's so much more than that though. I have the most amazing support here. My sisters, my brothers, my fiance. They all believe in me and that right there is what I live for. That's what keeps me going. The fact that I can share my heart with them and they can speak life, prophesy, and just show that they care and love me; for who Papa created me to be. I can be myself. I can share what's on my heart, what's hurting me, what I'm praying for, I can go to them for and with anything and everything. That right there is what my life is about. Thank you Daddy, for all of them.
From Danni & Morgan, to Philip Stuart, to Samantha Andrea, Alexander, Walter Abraham, Heather Brynn, Steph, Erin, Krys, Tina, Lori, and Alex. They all just support and believe in me and I know that they are here for me, and that's all I can ever ask for. That means more to me than an physical present. I just love them, and they love me.
Blessed a bunch
May<3
I just have to though. haha So much glory. I'm so thankful. Like I'm thankful to pieces, to tears I'm so thankful. I'm loved. I'm worth it. I was worth dying for. My best friend: Jesus:) He died for me, when he asked Papa if there was any other way he remembered me. Because I'm his favorite. He loves me. There's so much more than that though. I have the most amazing support here. My sisters, my brothers, my fiance. They all believe in me and that right there is what I live for. That's what keeps me going. The fact that I can share my heart with them and they can speak life, prophesy, and just show that they care and love me; for who Papa created me to be. I can be myself. I can share what's on my heart, what's hurting me, what I'm praying for, I can go to them for and with anything and everything. That right there is what my life is about. Thank you Daddy, for all of them.
From Danni & Morgan, to Philip Stuart, to Samantha Andrea, Alexander, Walter Abraham, Heather Brynn, Steph, Erin, Krys, Tina, Lori, and Alex. They all just support and believe in me and I know that they are here for me, and that's all I can ever ask for. That means more to me than an physical present. I just love them, and they love me.
Blessed a bunch
May<3
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