Time goes by,

things happen, things change. For better, for worse. It happens and there's no stoppin' it.

I'm thankful.

Three months ago I on my way to growing up in a way I didn't realize was happening even as it was happening. It didn't hit me, and most days it still doesn't. The truth is...I moved out. I live on my own, without my family back home. I did this by myself. That blows me away.

I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom. So glad, so thankful, so blessed knowing where I am is where I belong; it's where Dad has called me to be. For such a time as this. Three months ago I remember waking up early in the morning to get my car all packed up and ready for my journey--my adventure away from home; all on my own. I remember my fiance calling to ask what my sisters, mom, and I wanted from Starbucks that morning; like it was completely normal. Shortly after I told him, he hung up, and said he'd be over shortly. I remember sitting in what used to be my bedroom and he telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I look back and just stand amazed. I've been so blessed, the Lord has had so much favor on my life, in every situation. Truly, my heart is thankful.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, get dressed, finish packing my things with my sister and best friends Alexander and Samantha Andrea and we will wait for my boy and momma to show up. Then we'll hang out, eat some breakfast, and be on our way.
<3 I stand truly amazed, blessed, and thankful.

Thank you Jesus.

May

"Praise the Lord all my soul, & let all that's within in me, Praise His name."

Oh, Jesus, you're beautiful!

Oh divine, spirit lead, appointments. So blessed, honored, and incredibly--undeniably thankful! Daddy has given me so much favor and blessed me, my life, and my relationships with amazing-anointed world changers. Church was so good, it was a lot of the same thing that Beni spoke on this past week at school. So amazing and just such great revelation. I had a really weird painful headache all this morning and it was crazy when I saw Angela in service I felt a peace and the headache lift off of me and I was healed. But I then just felt her on my heart to pray for her, so I did. Come to find out that she's been having a problem with horrible migraines and it's because of her family line. She went and waited to ask Papa Bill to pray for her. And as we waited for her, Sam and I were just in receiving mode standing in close distance and presence of Beni. So finally I got up the courage just to ask for her to pray for Sammy and I. We were just so blessed and honored by her and we just told her and she was so loving. Amazing! So glorious she released everything she spoke on and Bill as well and she just blessed us and it was so amazing! Then Angels got prayed over by Bill and Beni and they just broke off all the migraines. Then I told her how I had gotten the word of knowledge about the migraines and she asked me to pray for her and release my healing so that was dope too. Then we all got in the car and were gonna go home but then we ended up going out for lunch to Indian food. Which btw, today I found out I actually quite enjoy it. But anyways. On the way there we just worshiped together and talked. Somehow we got on the subject of future husbands and relationships or whatever. So it came out about Philip and I. Thanks to Sam & Lori. haha But yea, so they all asked to hear the divine testimony of our relationship. Good times. I ended up giving it and afterwards the girls just like asked questions and it was cool, Bethany (Claire's friend visiting from Scotland) asked for like my advice and just encouragement on how you know when God tells you about your future spouse and all of these details. It was really amazing and just new revelation for me because it opened my eyes to the fact that I really am doing it right. It wasn't only encouraging for the girls but it was really humbling, honoring, and encouraging for me personally to share my heart and everything. It was truly just a blessed morning and afternoon. So thankful.
Thank you Jesus.
May<3

I have my moments..I feel.

Trust me, I'm not perfect. I mess up, I hurt, I get tired, I feel alone, I feel sensitive, I feel not good enough. I'm a human woman. What can I do?
I'm not a robot, I'm not superhuman. I feel.
All day, I've just taken time to rest. Write, draw, watch movies, spend time with Sam.
But moments like this definitely don't help anything. I can't keep it together all the time. It just doesn't happen. It doesn't work like that.
I'm not really sure what to even say right now. I just feel ehh. I'm not overwhelmed, it's just that sometimes I need someone & lately I haven't had that. I don't always feel loved by the people around me. I love everyone around me, but just sometimes..I need that spontaneous love.. I could use a hug right now. From either my best friends or my parents or my sisters or brothers. I just can't do this on my own.

"My heart is singing this one thing."

I'm so filled up right now. Like I hardly can sit still to type this.
I just have to though. haha So much glory. I'm so thankful. Like I'm thankful to pieces, to tears I'm so thankful. I'm loved. I'm worth it. I was worth dying for. My best friend: Jesus:) He died for me, when he asked Papa if there was any other way he remembered me. Because I'm his favorite. He loves me. There's so much more than that though. I have the most amazing support here. My sisters, my brothers, my fiance. They all believe in me and that right there is what I live for. That's what keeps me going. The fact that I can share my heart with them and they can speak life, prophesy, and just show that they care and love me; for who Papa created me to be. I can be myself. I can share what's on my heart, what's hurting me, what I'm praying for, I can go to them for and with anything and everything. That right there is what my life is about. Thank you Daddy, for all of them.
From Danni & Morgan, to Philip Stuart, to Samantha Andrea, Alexander, Walter Abraham, Heather Brynn, Steph, Erin, Krys, Tina, Lori, and Alex. They all just support and believe in me and I know that they are here for me, and that's all I can ever ask for. That means more to me than an physical present. I just love them, and they love me.

Blessed a bunch
May<3

Mother/ Daughter phone calls

I love her. I love her more than I can even! I just can't take it, it breaks my heart talking to her. She's so negative & everything she talks to me about is just what she knows; my fiance, my money, me visiting & supposedly not wanting to spend time with her, & gossip about our family or whatever. It makes me crazy! I do everything I can to keep cool. It is just soo incredibly hard because I wanna yell because she attacks me with everything & then she plays the victim in every situation. I just want her to feel what it is to be loved & feel joy & peace in her life. She doesn't know that their is life better than hers. It kills me. I feel like a big baby, but I can't help it. This is my mom, I don't even care that I cry every time I get off of the phone with her or that I cry myself to sleep some nights praying my heart out for her. I refuse to sit here & let the enemy have a hold on my mom & my family. It's not okay. I have a life to live abundantly & that include my FAMILY that means my inheritance. That means the people that I'm connected to can be under my umbrella, they can have my anointing, they can have my fire, my peace, my joy, my love. Because that's mine. & I took back what the enemy stole from me not only for myself but for the people who don't know how to take it back for themselves. But they can only ride on my passion, & my fire for so long before it runs out for them. I'm doing everything I can to love her, love her like crazy; intentionally. Because she is important, she is beautiful, she is worth it--so worth it that He died, she's amazing, & funny, & lovely, & loving & caring. My mom is so much more than she settles for. She lets people's words & actions dictate her emotions like it's nobody's business. I'm saying STOP. NOW. This is my mother, the one person who loved me before anyone else, this is the person who has always been there no matter what. I don't even have other words. Danny Silk put it perfectly the other day when he spoke.
"Don't show them your anger & frustration, show them your broken heart."
No one understands how I feel specifically, even trying to sympathize with me isn't enough for me. I just need extra prayer & strength. I'm persevering to the promise Papa gave me. I believe in my mom.
This is my family, & I will not see it fall apart.
From the brokenness of a loving daughter.

May<3

I'm living intentionally.

Who and where would I be if I wasn't living intentionally? What I be doing and how would I be feeling if I didn't step up, and step out of my comfort zone to go outside of myself to make a difference, build relationships, strengthen relationships, and make connections.
Tonight wasn't just a early Thanksgiving dinner with my Bethel family here. It was so so much more than that. It is easy to see and say that the Lord was definitely present tonight at our little family dinner party, but it was more than that. We didn't only eat dinner, we spent quality time together. We got to cook together, laugh, talk, eat, watch a movie, and just reach out to each other. Tonight I grew myself more than ever, not me exactly but I felt the Holy Spirit so evident in my countenance tonight. I am not the same person I used to be. I stepped out. I decided that I want to love people and show and share my heart as much as I can. Not saying that I'm gonna be BEST FRIENDS with every person I meet, but I know who I am and that I'm here with these people in my life and path for such a time as this. I'm gonna take advantage of that. I'm gonna be intentional and steward this gift and be thankful and absolutely grateful for this time, place, these people, and these opportunities. Every day is never promised, every breath is a special gift given from Papa, a chance, a new day, nothing is a coincedence, and Papa places specific people in your life for a specific reason--which means on purpose, intentionally. If I didn't step out I wouldn't be able to do my job. Every person has something that someone else needs. We aren't taking on burdens, we're taking on our burdens, we are a family and body of Christ. We are never alone, we are always there for each other, in every way. No worry. Because you should never be afraid to be who you are. For this specific time or season.
It's time to break out of yourself, because your own breakthroughs are others' breakthroughs as well.

May <3

"I just close my eyes and pray"

I love you kid. Seriously. I don't even think you realize that you are so loved. Not even by your family around you, but Papa God. The one that loves you more than anything. You talk about feeling useless and the people you care about walking out on you or just not being there when you feel you need them the most. Look to the one who desperately loves you, everything about you; the real you.
It breaks my heart. To see people who have more potential than they seriously realize. To see people being destructive with their precious, important, predestined, world changing, ridiculously impacting lives. It's like their wasting something so beautiful, something beloved.
Dad just says; "look up, come up higher. Let me take you away. Let me show you what life is really about. Let me teach you what an abundant and real life looks like". Not just the glass "looking" half full, but overflowing with more than you can even keep for yourself, but leaking over all of the people around you.
Please, just open your eyes. Or close them and talk to Dad. Go back into His arms, find your way back home, where you belong.
You are loved, you are special, you are amazing, you are incredible, you're not a sinner, you're a saint, you're more than you are settling for, stop chasing what isn't for you. There's a reason this world doesn't fit you and isn't good enough for you. You're heaven sent.

Your sister,
May<3

It's all an excuse because we love eachother.

We fight, we argue, we love, we joke.
It's not perfect, but that doesn't even matter.
All that matters is that I'm in love with him deeply, & I know that we're perfect for eachother, together, forever, always.

That's what matters.

The Sting.

Frustrated..
I don't like arguing. That's a given, cause I'm quite sure no one enjoys it, even if you're out of your mind.
Today was a good day. Not saying that this little thing has ruined my day, but still. It certainly put a damper on it.
I had my day all planned out, & I'm pretty darn excited about it. But then on text messaged that. I hate upsetting my fiance. It hurts me. It makes me feel like it's my fault, even if I didn't do anything. I love him, & he shouldn't be upset. I don't even know what to do. It doesn't help that the reason he's upset is because of one of my best friends. That's unfair right there. It's not like he's telling me not to have friends or hang out with them, he just told me he feels off when I'm around him. Not like I was alone with him or anything, there was a group of us, & there naturally always is a group of us together, because of boundaries. & the fact that we're just a family of friends & that's it. But for my fiance to tell me that he was upset because of this hurt me. Not only because it hurt him, but because he didn't even explain to me what it was, not to mention when I go home for thanksgiving my best friends are going home with me. What then? What happens when my fiances meets him & has to hang around him for a week? I've asked before if it made him uncomfortable, I've asked if it was okay that he came to celebrate thanksgiving with us. I asked if he didn't like it or not. He said that it was fine. I'm not letting this affect my entire day, I refuse for that to happen, but still. The last thing he text me was:
"Spend time with the Lord, speak in tongues and get a really good cup of coffee."

So here I am, taking it out on my blog, drinking coffee, with my worship playing, & my journal & Bible in arms reach. Quiet time here I come.

Proverbs 15:18 "A hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."
Proverbs 17:14 "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."
Proverbs 17:19 "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
Proverbs 18:1 "An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels."
Proverbs 20:3 "It is to on'es honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."