To: You

He stole my heart
he stole my heart that very day
although, I believe I never meant for it
I never intended for it to come out that way

It happened so quickly
I did not know he even cared
he walked in so sweetly
I was not prepared

We found love
who knew it was real
clean and pure as a dove
for this is what we feel

Praying for patience
letting go of the past
continuing wonderful conversations
working hard to make it all last

Unconditional

Love looks like something. God sent his Son because He loved us, He loved me. He knew that I would mess up, he knew that I would hurt myself, he knew I would hurt other people, he knew that I would create messes that I wouldn't be able to get myself out of or clean up on my own. He knew, He knew it all and still He loved and loves me. He doesn't love me because I loved him, He just loves. He is love. That's who he is and it's what He does. He sent His son to pay a price. Because I'm his; I'm his daughter, I'm his chosen, His beloved. I don't think I'm a princess because I'm shallow or conceited, or even because I fell in love with a prince. I claim being a princess because my father is the King of all kings and HE says I'm royalty, he says that I was WORTH IT ALL. He did absolutely everything for me, and for you. He gave up everything, he gave up his one and only, beloved son so that I could live. He wanted me, He didn't need me He wanted me. And even when I still make mistakes, even when I still didn't listen, or look his way, or answer him, he remained patient. He still loved me. He never left. He never abandoned me. He has and never will forsake me. He is patient.
If that's his character, and he lives inside of me. I want to love just like that. Unconditionally, holding nothing back--fierce and fearless. Because if I'm worth it, if I was forgiven, if I was redeemed-- everyone in my life, everyone that I meet deserves that same unconditional love. 
Conditional means: "subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms." 
Which means if I stop fulfilling a requirement that love gets taken away, it means that when I mess up that love is no longer mine. But guess what, His love is so great, so high, so deep, so wide-- it covers all of my sin as if it never existed. 
Psalm 103:12 "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Not meaning that it didn't hurt him, but it means that it's over and He no longer looks at them, He covered them by the blood. He said it is finished. 
I've been faced with situations and messes that weren't mine, but people that I love with my whole heart, and their mess affects me, and it hurts me, but that doesn't mean for a second that I want to pull away and shut them out. Because doing that would mean that I'm conditionally loving them, that as soon as they do something wrong I'm out. If I was to live like that, afraid of other people's mistakes I would be living a very lonely life. And that's not how it's supposed to be at all. God's not afraid of my messes, and I'm not afraid of the messes that the ones that I love have made and gotten themselves into. 
God loves us so much that He comes down and meets us where we're at, but He also loves us so much that He doesn't leave us there, He brings us higher. He brings us out of all the mess, He makes us clean again, and brand new--shining. I am a really big fan of the Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis books and there is a part in the Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe that literally kills me every time I watch the movie. It's after they save Edmund and Aslan is finished talking to him and Edmund goes to see his family for the first time and Aslan says: "Do not talk to Edmund of what is past. What's done is done." He says this because no matter what he did, that isn't who Edmund is. Edmund is their brother. And they love him: unconditionally. So instead of speaking, they embrace him. I don't ever want to look at someone and hold their mistakes or anything in their past that makes them look like they are less than the amazing man or woman of God that they really are. Instead, I choose to love unconditionally and open my arms wide to embrace them. Because that's the way it looks in the kingdom, that's the way my father loves.

Now I get it..

When I was younger and I first got saved, I remember how we as teenagers were told to be careful in relationships with the opposite sex because of, 1. creating soul ties and 2. because when you enter into these relationships with people, you can take away from that person's future spouse. And for me specifically I didn't take it too much to heart. I didn't really read much into that because I wasn't planning on dating someone at that point unless it was going to last and possibly be for the rest of my life. As well as I was fifteen so who knows what I was really thinking-- but now I completely understand. I wish that I didn't know what this felt like. I have made my own mistakes and so has my future husband, sadly. We were too young and too stupid to understand what we were giving away. But now we have to clean up those messes and forgive, grow, learn, and move on. But I would never wish this on anyone or for anyone to have to go through. And that's honestly my two cents on the matter.

These Humans

It’s incredible to me how we make people into these spectacular blown up versions of themselves cinematic-ally.

People aren't just stories. They’re not just stories made into amazing heartfelt movies and fairy tales that we find in books. They’re not just an introduction, with some chaos, some overcoming, and plot twists, and a happily or sadly ever after at the very end or close of the curtains.

People are beautiful creatures. Creations. Glorious. Each and every single one of them. They aren't just characters but human beings that feel with immense emotion, passion, and expressions that run so deeply the ocean is completely jealous.

Different, adventurous, curious, unique, and creative.

That’s what human beings consist of. Sent from heaven. Perfectly imperfect. 

I'm Still Into You

Here I am in bed, the day was a success. It's funny how last night I was so excited to go to sleep so that I could wake up this morning and get ready so I could leave on my merry way. Little bit of a roadtrip on my own. It was such a wonderful and beautiful day. I'm not sure it could have been any better. 
Philip and I probably fell more in love today. Like really. You could feel it. In your gut, and probably see it in our eyes. 
I'm not sure what's changed since the last time I drove out there to spend the day with him to today. All I know is that I'm completely happy and confident in myself compared to then; but really I'm so unaware of what changed so drastically in me. It's like when I asked The Lord to fill me up and change my heart and mind it happened. Perfectly. It's just so amazing. He's so faithful. When we trust him and even if it seems hard and bleak he still swoops in and saves the day. Because he loves us. I stand amazed. 
Even with Philip and my relationship. So much has changed. Just like in the song we've been singing all day by one of my favorite bands-- Paramore, Still Into You.

"I should be over all the butterflies, 
but I'm into you. 
And even on our worst night, 
I'm into you. 
It's amazing that we've got this far 
cause I don't even need to wonder at all 
after all this time 
I'm still into you." 

We've been through hell and back individually and brutally even as a couple, lots of change, separation, long distance, hearts, mindsets, family, friends, mistakes, bad decisions. You name it we've had to deal with it. Already, and it's so crazy to me. Because honestly, we started dating when Philip was 16 and I was 18-- we've been dealing with things way beyond our maturity level, early on. But either way, I'm grateful for all the lessons learned as well as all the lessons to learn later on. Honestly I'm so thankful we've gotten to deal with a lot of these issues now; upfront rather than years from now or later down the road during on our engagement or worse during our marriage. It's crazy because being so young for us was something we enjoy, because we get to dream up futures together and grow up, change, experience, and learn things together. We've grown and learned a lot-- about ourselves, and each other. It's been an amazing journey so far. I'm only excited to see what else is in store for us. I believe glory to glory and were going for it, together. I wouldn't have it any other way. 
Today was so perfect though, really. I only wish that I could've recorded the moment that Philip walked into the hallway where the mailboxes are, when he saw me-- he about crapped himself. He barely could speak and he kept walking even though I was standing still waiting for some type of response. And then when he finally did speak he kept asking me if it was real life. Then he hugged me. It was literally the best plan. I almost went back on the plan too, since he's sick I was going to wait till next week but this morning I just had to go. I'm so incredibly glad that I did. 

"It's not a walk in the park
to love each other
but when our fingers interlock
I can't deny it you're worth it,
cause after all this time
I'm still into you."

What's up next?

The seasons are changing, the world is currently in a lull at the moment since the next big day is New Years. The Christmas songs are still lingering on the radio in every car, the decorations have yet to come down. We're all preparing for this New Year, and imagining what it will bring. If you're like me at all, you're praying into this new year and making plans, and dreaming up what this new year and this new season has in store. My heart is beating out of my chest with excitement for whatever is coming next. I have plans and right now I'm just processing my heart and my dreams. I'm working and sifting through what I feel God is pushing me towards in this new season. I'm not working right now, and I'm all signed up for school, waiting to hear back from a few different schools. I've got money saved up, I'm paying bills off, and I'm just all set up. I'm not sure what is going on, but I feel it in the atmosphere. God is doing something that I can't see just yet, and He just isn't quite ready to reveal to me. I'm ecstatic though, I'm preparing, I'm dreaming, I'm praying. 

I've really learned a lot this year, I've put myself through a lot, and I've seen myself grow and change--as we do every year. But this year that I'm currently looking back at, I'm not disappointed in, I'm seeing results from where I've been and where I'm going. I know that it took a lot of strength for me to get myself to where I am right now. I believe in myself and I know who I am. I know who I want to be, I know what I want to work on and how I want to grow. 

I used to get so frustrated with where I'm at. The process. It was like my dreaded season or location in which my life was living. It didn't even feel like living to me, I just felt like I was going through each day, getting things done. I'm finding now that, that wasn't living at all, that wasn't achieving anything. God has called us to have a full and abundant life, and that means a life with purpose, with meaning, with divine appointments. We were made for glory, we are filled with greatness. God created us specifically, oh so wonderfully and fearfully. That means something. That means that everything about us he created, every characteristic, they were all on purpose--after he created us he called us 'good'. I believe that. And I'm truly learning to take that into account and really let it sink into me. 

Lately I've been taking walks in the park, as often as possible really. The park near my apartment is literally two blocks away, I could probably walk to the park instead of drive. However, I choose to drive and then stay there for a while, walking. It's sort of like my secret garden with the Lord. It's my happy place, and my safe place. I go there mostly on Sunday's, just to process with the Lord and feel his presence. I go there to breathe, it's literally my breath of fresh air. I am doing everything in my power to live my life every day with meaning and purpose. I go to this park every week so that I can truly understand what it looks like to walk in the cool of the day with Him. I'm stewarding this lull of a season, and praying into what God really has next for me, I want to know. I encourage each of you reading to do the same. Challenge yourself in this new season, really be strategic, pour in, and watch as God fills you up some more. This new year has lots in store for us, but God will never give us more than we can handle-- otherwise it would kill us. He gives us exactly what we need to be full and to have the capacity to pour out. Be excited for what 2014 has in store, and dig in y'all, ask yourself what's next! 

Florida Weather,

Well here I am folks. Across the country from my beloved home town, my family, and my best friends. On a very real note. A lot has happened and changed over this past year--2013 held a lot of crazy experiences for me. As well as this year held a lot of great & unforgettable moments. I'm thankful & blessed nonetheless. So anyways. It's almost Christmas, here we are. It's funny to me that I can imagine all of my family and friends that are currently back home cuddled up for the night or whatever. And I'm in bed wearing shorts and a tank. Drinking hot tea however, just because I love it no matter what. The weather here is barely in it's low 80's. Back home it's almost & sort of is freezing. My best friend in fact got into a car accident this past weekend while driving in the snow for the first time. Thankfully, she was safe and not harmed in any way. Just freaked out. I miss home though. I miss Fall photo-shoots with Steph, I miss the rain & hot cocoa while being all wrapped up in blankets on the couch watching movies I've watched a million times over with my favorite people. I miss church and everyone there. I miss not being able to finish my bagel during second service & everyone making fun of me for it & then someone taking it & finishing it for me. I miss jumping on my little sisters and bugging the hell out of them every day. I miss my mom's cooking, I miss awkward moments with my step dad. I miss my amazing, anointed Grandma Winchester & our walks at Benicia State Park, I miss going to BCC with her & just sharing our hearts & whatever the lord was doing or showing us. I miss sushi dates with my aunt Katie. I miss all the little babies running around. I miss going to the movies with Zach & Boob--Caleb. I miss driving & walking right into the Parker's house without knocking or ringing the doorbell. I miss buying brownie mix & bringing it to the Parker's to randomly bake at eleven o' clock at night. I miss random adventures. I miss hiking with Steph. I miss going to the batting cages with my brother. I miss shopping & sister dates with my sissy-Lyna. I miss it all. That's what this Florida weather is doing to me. It doesn't feel like Christmas. Whenever I hear the Christmas music I just hear noise. When before I could feel the warmth & love that's completely wrapped up in it all. I know that this season is beautiful & wonderful. But I would be blatantly lying if I said I was perfectly happy here. Because Christmas & this whole season only means the world to me because of my family. And this is what the Florida weather is doing to me.