I've learned how to stand on my own two feet, but I don't stand alone.

Breakthrough has happened in my life in an incredible way.

For so long now I've been hurting, I've been walking through my life denying the pains inside of me. And no one has given me any type of encouraging advice. I've had to do this all by myself. I've walked through this short season--although it seemed never ending. My Papa showed me, opened my eyes. He brought me out of it all. The night it happened, I will never forget. I was sitting on my couch in my apartment, with my worship on, just resting & waiting on the Lord. I had been in a two week positioning of my heart. And this was the night that I felt the spirit of depression & oppression break off. It happened so suddenly and it felt so amazing, I don't really have words to explain what happened. Other than this, I felt the weight of the world lift off of my soft, gentle, fragile shoulders. I felt the pain in my chest disappear, I felt healing & forgiveness--pure peace fill my heart & my mind, and I felt the joy that I'm known for arise within me. That joy filled every fiber of my being within a moment. I began to laugh--uncontrollably, nor did I want it to stop. I laughed, and I began to praise the Lord in response, whole hearted surrender, thanks and praise fell from my lips over and over again.
I am free.
"Freedom reigns"

This girl has gone through enough, has put herself through enough, has been treating like nothing for too long. And I know who I am, I deserve better, and I have finally realized that. Nothing can hold me back from my Jesus, my amazing Holy Spirit, & my Daddy God. All my joy, my love, my praise, my affection belongs to him.

So yes, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, but I didn't nor will I ever have to do it...ALONE.

Love looks like something.

Love is not wanting, not asking, just patient.
Love is complete selflessness. When the heart has peace, and rests.
Love is content.

Love is when I'm no longer looking for ways to win something, but when in being myself I am me; beautifully.

These Days

I'm so different. Day by day I feel myself changing more. Not only that, but I'm seeing myself discover truly who I am. I suppose when certain important people walk out of your life--you get kinda a rude awakening that forces you to grow, to find yourself, to stand on your own two feet; alone. And honestly it's hard. That's what I'm finding at least. But I'm a fighter. It's written permanently on my wrist. And it's one hundred percent true. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm honestly in this place of "building my wall", building the wall in front of me and not worrying about the chaos going on around me. Because focusing on all that makes my stomach sick, my heart wrenches, my eyes get blurry, my hunger decreases, my ears receive fuzzy reception. Everything just turns to crap.
I'm in this season of fire, joy, and righteousness. Dad is so good. It's working in me, and I'm thankful. These days, I find myself driving more--around my town. Just to explore my own heart and its thoughts. These days, I'm trying recover, I'm in the glorious healing process, I'm in the beautiful romance with the Lord.

These days, I'm learning to love again. As well as being loved again.
These days, I'm a work in progress.

For the family I love more than myself.

I love you all. I'm so sorry for what has happened. Although, none of it was in my control or my intention. I never meant to run out on you, I love you all so much. You're still my family, forever, no matter what. You are all so beautiful and amazing, you make me happy and there will never be another who can fill the spaces you hold in my heart, my memory, and my life.
I deeply miss you all. I miss being apart of your lives and family. I wish that I could so easily walk back into your lives and be apart, but I know that I don't have that place. With the current situation-- it's just not my place. I will never stop interceding for you all, and loving you all.

To Hun & Bud,
No matter what happens my darlings, I will never stop being here for you. I love you so much, just as if you were my niece and nephew. I am always here for you forever. You have my number and you can call or text me whenever you need me. I'll come for you. Because you're wonderful and amazing, and incredible--the two of you.

I write this all because today, as I was running around and cleaning and being productive, my darling Bud--Josiah text me. He hasn't actually text me or anything since the break up. Which I completely understand. But today.. he did--as curious as that is. He text me to see how I was doing and I loved that, it made my day. I love that kid, he's an amazing young man. He's the nephew I never had. As our conversation went on he brought up the whole situation between his uncle and I. And I obviously couldn't ignore that and lie to him; I did my best to explain to him what happened--he asked me to tell him the story of what happened. What broke my heart was when he said he didn't know how he felt about it, and he said that when his uncle and I were together that we really seemed to be in love and he didn't get why it was over. I went on to explain that we were in love, and I still love him today but that I was respecting and honoring his decision to wait and see what God has in store for us.

I will never stop loving that family, they will always have my heart.
<3 May

Divine Romace, I'm completely satisfied.

His arms are where I belong. I belong to Jesus.
<3

I'm sitting here, in the glory with Papa's arms wrapped around me. Feeling completely spoiled. But what can I say? I'm a daughter of the King of Kings, I'm His little Princess. I don't have to prove myself, I'm Daddy's little girl. That's just all there is to it.

"Oh How He Loves"

As I was sitting here on my couch just thinking, praying, & worshiping, I flashed back to this moment when I remember completely being swept away by the Father's heart for me. I remember how it felt, the aching in my chest as I cried out for Him & His unfailing love. I remember that I was literally on my face, bawling my eyes out. I knew that I was no where worthy of His love, His presence; Him. But still, He looked at me & He put his hand on my shoulder, telling me that He loved me, more than my own comprehension of what love really was. I stayed there, crying, feeling completely engulfed in him. I remember that moment better than any other I'm sure. All because that was an encounter that changed my life. At the time I was broken, I was confused, & all because I was a fighter, fighting for something I didn't realize Dad was holding as I was pulling it away. Yes, I was playing tugawar with God. I thought I knew what was good for me, what I wanted, what I was doing--I was wrong, completely. & in that moment, that encounter, I finally let go & just as I let go of the rope, I felt myself fall on my butt. Feeling completely idiotic for holding onto something that now looks so unappealing, frivolous, stupid, & just wrong. As I sat there, Dad just kept telling me there was so much more. He kept saying that I was worth more, that He had more. & ever since, I've been going after it.

And I don't plan on ever forgetting this divine romance that He gave me so long ago. My heart is set on going deeper.

May

I'll Be Home For Christmas.

That sentence just makes me sigh.
For a few reasons. I'm excited, I get to see my sisters, my grandma, Heather Brynn, Katie, Azriel, baby Chloe, fiancee-Philip, Hun-Baby Loida, Siah, Geri, Mama Parker, and my mom and dad. My heart feels like it's already there, and yet, I feel so far away from my little hometown--Vallejo, Ca. Oh dear. This past week has been my two week process and preparation to get ready to go home and persevere to the promise that my family will fall in love with the Lord. That my parents will understand what the heck I'm doing all the way over here in Redding, Ca. My heart is one hundred and twenty percent for what Papa God wants to do on this trip, but I know that I have to be ready for anything. I know that I have to be on point; of course be myself and let love win that way. But also just remain connected to His heart and know at all times what is going on. I'm so ready to be home with Philip by my side. I love him so much, and I've definitely missed him. It was funny last night we talked about how I felt Holy Spirit give me visions and strategic things to do when I get home and just be able to love, bless, and pour out on every one there.
Yesterday Philip and I started our negativity fast. We don't even know how long we're supposed to do this, but we are until Dad says we're done. I think it's good, because we both want to remain in the state of thankfulness, because Dad has blessed us both so much and we're in such a new season and we just wanna stay obedient, thankful, and in a place of peace, love, and joy. :) so here we go. Not only that, but we're gonna start soaking together! Way excited!
Overflow, overflow, overflow. Everything that is poured out of us should first come from being saturated in Father's heart before attempting to give to others. We have to receive from the Father. It cannot just be a small portion that only sustains us, otherwise we will only exhaust ourselves spiritually, physically, and emotionally. When we pour out the fire, passion, love, peace, joy, righteousness of Dad we have to make sure that it's all out the overflow. Philip and I have both been learning this. The crazy thing is that lately we've been really on point together and apart. Holy Spirit is just so good. It's true the more that you spend with the Father, the more you look, act, and sound like Him. We're seeing the fruit of our time in the secret place with Dad, and we're so thankful and excited about what He's doing.
I'm just in such a place of pure thankfulness and joyfulness. I feel the Holy Spirit doing such a work in me, as well as Philip. Thank you Papa for all that you have for he and I. You are so good. I am such a thankful daughter.

"Everything good comes from you, Father of lights"

May<3 <3

Time goes by,

things happen, things change. For better, for worse. It happens and there's no stoppin' it.

I'm thankful.

Three months ago I on my way to growing up in a way I didn't realize was happening even as it was happening. It didn't hit me, and most days it still doesn't. The truth is...I moved out. I live on my own, without my family back home. I did this by myself. That blows me away.

I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom. So glad, so thankful, so blessed knowing where I am is where I belong; it's where Dad has called me to be. For such a time as this. Three months ago I remember waking up early in the morning to get my car all packed up and ready for my journey--my adventure away from home; all on my own. I remember my fiance calling to ask what my sisters, mom, and I wanted from Starbucks that morning; like it was completely normal. Shortly after I told him, he hung up, and said he'd be over shortly. I remember sitting in what used to be my bedroom and he telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. I look back and just stand amazed. I've been so blessed, the Lord has had so much favor on my life, in every situation. Truly, my heart is thankful.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, get dressed, finish packing my things with my sister and best friends Alexander and Samantha Andrea and we will wait for my boy and momma to show up. Then we'll hang out, eat some breakfast, and be on our way.
<3 I stand truly amazed, blessed, and thankful.

Thank you Jesus.

May