I'm Still Into You

Here I am in bed, the day was a success. It's funny how last night I was so excited to go to sleep so that I could wake up this morning and get ready so I could leave on my merry way. Little bit of a roadtrip on my own. It was such a wonderful and beautiful day. I'm not sure it could have been any better. 
Philip and I probably fell more in love today. Like really. You could feel it. In your gut, and probably see it in our eyes. 
I'm not sure what's changed since the last time I drove out there to spend the day with him to today. All I know is that I'm completely happy and confident in myself compared to then; but really I'm so unaware of what changed so drastically in me. It's like when I asked The Lord to fill me up and change my heart and mind it happened. Perfectly. It's just so amazing. He's so faithful. When we trust him and even if it seems hard and bleak he still swoops in and saves the day. Because he loves us. I stand amazed. 
Even with Philip and my relationship. So much has changed. Just like in the song we've been singing all day by one of my favorite bands-- Paramore, Still Into You.

"I should be over all the butterflies, 
but I'm into you. 
And even on our worst night, 
I'm into you. 
It's amazing that we've got this far 
cause I don't even need to wonder at all 
after all this time 
I'm still into you." 

We've been through hell and back individually and brutally even as a couple, lots of change, separation, long distance, hearts, mindsets, family, friends, mistakes, bad decisions. You name it we've had to deal with it. Already, and it's so crazy to me. Because honestly, we started dating when Philip was 16 and I was 18-- we've been dealing with things way beyond our maturity level, early on. But either way, I'm grateful for all the lessons learned as well as all the lessons to learn later on. Honestly I'm so thankful we've gotten to deal with a lot of these issues now; upfront rather than years from now or later down the road during on our engagement or worse during our marriage. It's crazy because being so young for us was something we enjoy, because we get to dream up futures together and grow up, change, experience, and learn things together. We've grown and learned a lot-- about ourselves, and each other. It's been an amazing journey so far. I'm only excited to see what else is in store for us. I believe glory to glory and were going for it, together. I wouldn't have it any other way. 
Today was so perfect though, really. I only wish that I could've recorded the moment that Philip walked into the hallway where the mailboxes are, when he saw me-- he about crapped himself. He barely could speak and he kept walking even though I was standing still waiting for some type of response. And then when he finally did speak he kept asking me if it was real life. Then he hugged me. It was literally the best plan. I almost went back on the plan too, since he's sick I was going to wait till next week but this morning I just had to go. I'm so incredibly glad that I did. 

"It's not a walk in the park
to love each other
but when our fingers interlock
I can't deny it you're worth it,
cause after all this time
I'm still into you."

What's up next?

The seasons are changing, the world is currently in a lull at the moment since the next big day is New Years. The Christmas songs are still lingering on the radio in every car, the decorations have yet to come down. We're all preparing for this New Year, and imagining what it will bring. If you're like me at all, you're praying into this new year and making plans, and dreaming up what this new year and this new season has in store. My heart is beating out of my chest with excitement for whatever is coming next. I have plans and right now I'm just processing my heart and my dreams. I'm working and sifting through what I feel God is pushing me towards in this new season. I'm not working right now, and I'm all signed up for school, waiting to hear back from a few different schools. I've got money saved up, I'm paying bills off, and I'm just all set up. I'm not sure what is going on, but I feel it in the atmosphere. God is doing something that I can't see just yet, and He just isn't quite ready to reveal to me. I'm ecstatic though, I'm preparing, I'm dreaming, I'm praying. 

I've really learned a lot this year, I've put myself through a lot, and I've seen myself grow and change--as we do every year. But this year that I'm currently looking back at, I'm not disappointed in, I'm seeing results from where I've been and where I'm going. I know that it took a lot of strength for me to get myself to where I am right now. I believe in myself and I know who I am. I know who I want to be, I know what I want to work on and how I want to grow. 

I used to get so frustrated with where I'm at. The process. It was like my dreaded season or location in which my life was living. It didn't even feel like living to me, I just felt like I was going through each day, getting things done. I'm finding now that, that wasn't living at all, that wasn't achieving anything. God has called us to have a full and abundant life, and that means a life with purpose, with meaning, with divine appointments. We were made for glory, we are filled with greatness. God created us specifically, oh so wonderfully and fearfully. That means something. That means that everything about us he created, every characteristic, they were all on purpose--after he created us he called us 'good'. I believe that. And I'm truly learning to take that into account and really let it sink into me. 

Lately I've been taking walks in the park, as often as possible really. The park near my apartment is literally two blocks away, I could probably walk to the park instead of drive. However, I choose to drive and then stay there for a while, walking. It's sort of like my secret garden with the Lord. It's my happy place, and my safe place. I go there mostly on Sunday's, just to process with the Lord and feel his presence. I go there to breathe, it's literally my breath of fresh air. I am doing everything in my power to live my life every day with meaning and purpose. I go to this park every week so that I can truly understand what it looks like to walk in the cool of the day with Him. I'm stewarding this lull of a season, and praying into what God really has next for me, I want to know. I encourage each of you reading to do the same. Challenge yourself in this new season, really be strategic, pour in, and watch as God fills you up some more. This new year has lots in store for us, but God will never give us more than we can handle-- otherwise it would kill us. He gives us exactly what we need to be full and to have the capacity to pour out. Be excited for what 2014 has in store, and dig in y'all, ask yourself what's next! 

Florida Weather,

Well here I am folks. Across the country from my beloved home town, my family, and my best friends. On a very real note. A lot has happened and changed over this past year--2013 held a lot of crazy experiences for me. As well as this year held a lot of great & unforgettable moments. I'm thankful & blessed nonetheless. So anyways. It's almost Christmas, here we are. It's funny to me that I can imagine all of my family and friends that are currently back home cuddled up for the night or whatever. And I'm in bed wearing shorts and a tank. Drinking hot tea however, just because I love it no matter what. The weather here is barely in it's low 80's. Back home it's almost & sort of is freezing. My best friend in fact got into a car accident this past weekend while driving in the snow for the first time. Thankfully, she was safe and not harmed in any way. Just freaked out. I miss home though. I miss Fall photo-shoots with Steph, I miss the rain & hot cocoa while being all wrapped up in blankets on the couch watching movies I've watched a million times over with my favorite people. I miss church and everyone there. I miss not being able to finish my bagel during second service & everyone making fun of me for it & then someone taking it & finishing it for me. I miss jumping on my little sisters and bugging the hell out of them every day. I miss my mom's cooking, I miss awkward moments with my step dad. I miss my amazing, anointed Grandma Winchester & our walks at Benicia State Park, I miss going to BCC with her & just sharing our hearts & whatever the lord was doing or showing us. I miss sushi dates with my aunt Katie. I miss all the little babies running around. I miss going to the movies with Zach & Boob--Caleb. I miss driving & walking right into the Parker's house without knocking or ringing the doorbell. I miss buying brownie mix & bringing it to the Parker's to randomly bake at eleven o' clock at night. I miss random adventures. I miss hiking with Steph. I miss going to the batting cages with my brother. I miss shopping & sister dates with my sissy-Lyna. I miss it all. That's what this Florida weather is doing to me. It doesn't feel like Christmas. Whenever I hear the Christmas music I just hear noise. When before I could feel the warmth & love that's completely wrapped up in it all. I know that this season is beautiful & wonderful. But I would be blatantly lying if I said I was perfectly happy here. Because Christmas & this whole season only means the world to me because of my family. And this is what the Florida weather is doing to me.

The quiet and intriguing Englishman

It started with two overly excited girls awaiting their turn in line to take their school pictures. When they turned around and noticed a very kind looking young man. The spunky young girl turned toward him with the usual huge inviting smile on her face. She introduced herself and he responded; "I'm Alex." "Where from?" she excitedly asked, "London" he replied. This got her more than ecstatic. Instantly she felt intrigued. As the days went on and school started they would find the time to say hello and ask the classic, "how are you doing?" Rather than parting ways however, they only grew closer as the nine months began to unfold. this young man became her best friend. And still she always referred back to when they really met up at a school picnic and talked for hours sitting off the river, eating fresh apples off the tree. They told each other their tales, they shared their lives stories that day-- in those important four hours spent by the river. Ever since then they became a team. Stuck like glue, inseparable  They told each other their hearts and dreams, and they grew a heart for each other  She always had a splendid time in his company. And the girl was thankful, and blessed by relationship with the quiet, yet exciting, and intriguing Englishman.

I've learned how to stand on my own two feet, but I don't stand alone.

Breakthrough has happened in my life in an incredible way.

For so long now I've been hurting, I've been walking through my life denying the pains inside of me. And no one has given me any type of encouraging advice. I've had to do this all by myself. I've walked through this short season--although it seemed never ending. My Papa showed me, opened my eyes. He brought me out of it all. The night it happened, I will never forget. I was sitting on my couch in my apartment, with my worship on, just resting & waiting on the Lord. I had been in a two week positioning of my heart. And this was the night that I felt the spirit of depression & oppression break off. It happened so suddenly and it felt so amazing, I don't really have words to explain what happened. Other than this, I felt the weight of the world lift off of my soft, gentle, fragile shoulders. I felt the pain in my chest disappear, I felt healing & forgiveness--pure peace fill my heart & my mind, and I felt the joy that I'm known for arise within me. That joy filled every fiber of my being within a moment. I began to laugh--uncontrollably, nor did I want it to stop. I laughed, and I began to praise the Lord in response, whole hearted surrender, thanks and praise fell from my lips over and over again.
I am free.
"Freedom reigns"

This girl has gone through enough, has put herself through enough, has been treating like nothing for too long. And I know who I am, I deserve better, and I have finally realized that. Nothing can hold me back from my Jesus, my amazing Holy Spirit, & my Daddy God. All my joy, my love, my praise, my affection belongs to him.

So yes, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, but I didn't nor will I ever have to do it...ALONE.

Love looks like something.

Love is not wanting, not asking, just patient.
Love is complete selflessness. When the heart has peace, and rests.
Love is content.

Love is when I'm no longer looking for ways to win something, but when in being myself I am me; beautifully.

These Days

I'm so different. Day by day I feel myself changing more. Not only that, but I'm seeing myself discover truly who I am. I suppose when certain important people walk out of your life--you get kinda a rude awakening that forces you to grow, to find yourself, to stand on your own two feet; alone. And honestly it's hard. That's what I'm finding at least. But I'm a fighter. It's written permanently on my wrist. And it's one hundred percent true. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm honestly in this place of "building my wall", building the wall in front of me and not worrying about the chaos going on around me. Because focusing on all that makes my stomach sick, my heart wrenches, my eyes get blurry, my hunger decreases, my ears receive fuzzy reception. Everything just turns to crap.
I'm in this season of fire, joy, and righteousness. Dad is so good. It's working in me, and I'm thankful. These days, I find myself driving more--around my town. Just to explore my own heart and its thoughts. These days, I'm trying recover, I'm in the glorious healing process, I'm in the beautiful romance with the Lord.

These days, I'm learning to love again. As well as being loved again.
These days, I'm a work in progress.