The quiet and intriguing Englishman

It started with two overly excited girls awaiting their turn in line to take their school pictures. When they turned around and noticed a very kind looking young man. The spunky young girl turned toward him with the usual huge inviting smile on her face. She introduced herself and he responded; "I'm Alex." "Where from?" she excitedly asked, "London" he replied. This got her more than ecstatic. Instantly she felt intrigued. As the days went on and school started they would find the time to say hello and ask the classic, "how are you doing?" Rather than parting ways however, they only grew closer as the nine months began to unfold. this young man became her best friend. And still she always referred back to when they really met up at a school picnic and talked for hours sitting off the river, eating fresh apples off the tree. They told each other their tales, they shared their lives stories that day-- in those important four hours spent by the river. Ever since then they became a team. Stuck like glue, inseparable  They told each other their hearts and dreams, and they grew a heart for each other  She always had a splendid time in his company. And the girl was thankful, and blessed by relationship with the quiet, yet exciting, and intriguing Englishman.

I've learned how to stand on my own two feet, but I don't stand alone.

Breakthrough has happened in my life in an incredible way.

For so long now I've been hurting, I've been walking through my life denying the pains inside of me. And no one has given me any type of encouraging advice. I've had to do this all by myself. I've walked through this short season--although it seemed never ending. My Papa showed me, opened my eyes. He brought me out of it all. The night it happened, I will never forget. I was sitting on my couch in my apartment, with my worship on, just resting & waiting on the Lord. I had been in a two week positioning of my heart. And this was the night that I felt the spirit of depression & oppression break off. It happened so suddenly and it felt so amazing, I don't really have words to explain what happened. Other than this, I felt the weight of the world lift off of my soft, gentle, fragile shoulders. I felt the pain in my chest disappear, I felt healing & forgiveness--pure peace fill my heart & my mind, and I felt the joy that I'm known for arise within me. That joy filled every fiber of my being within a moment. I began to laugh--uncontrollably, nor did I want it to stop. I laughed, and I began to praise the Lord in response, whole hearted surrender, thanks and praise fell from my lips over and over again.
I am free.
"Freedom reigns"

This girl has gone through enough, has put herself through enough, has been treating like nothing for too long. And I know who I am, I deserve better, and I have finally realized that. Nothing can hold me back from my Jesus, my amazing Holy Spirit, & my Daddy God. All my joy, my love, my praise, my affection belongs to him.

So yes, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, but I didn't nor will I ever have to do it...ALONE.

Love looks like something.

Love is not wanting, not asking, just patient.
Love is complete selflessness. When the heart has peace, and rests.
Love is content.

Love is when I'm no longer looking for ways to win something, but when in being myself I am me; beautifully.

These Days

I'm so different. Day by day I feel myself changing more. Not only that, but I'm seeing myself discover truly who I am. I suppose when certain important people walk out of your life--you get kinda a rude awakening that forces you to grow, to find yourself, to stand on your own two feet; alone. And honestly it's hard. That's what I'm finding at least. But I'm a fighter. It's written permanently on my wrist. And it's one hundred percent true. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm honestly in this place of "building my wall", building the wall in front of me and not worrying about the chaos going on around me. Because focusing on all that makes my stomach sick, my heart wrenches, my eyes get blurry, my hunger decreases, my ears receive fuzzy reception. Everything just turns to crap.
I'm in this season of fire, joy, and righteousness. Dad is so good. It's working in me, and I'm thankful. These days, I find myself driving more--around my town. Just to explore my own heart and its thoughts. These days, I'm trying recover, I'm in the glorious healing process, I'm in the beautiful romance with the Lord.

These days, I'm learning to love again. As well as being loved again.
These days, I'm a work in progress.

For the family I love more than myself.

I love you all. I'm so sorry for what has happened. Although, none of it was in my control or my intention. I never meant to run out on you, I love you all so much. You're still my family, forever, no matter what. You are all so beautiful and amazing, you make me happy and there will never be another who can fill the spaces you hold in my heart, my memory, and my life.
I deeply miss you all. I miss being apart of your lives and family. I wish that I could so easily walk back into your lives and be apart, but I know that I don't have that place. With the current situation-- it's just not my place. I will never stop interceding for you all, and loving you all.

To Hun & Bud,
No matter what happens my darlings, I will never stop being here for you. I love you so much, just as if you were my niece and nephew. I am always here for you forever. You have my number and you can call or text me whenever you need me. I'll come for you. Because you're wonderful and amazing, and incredible--the two of you.

I write this all because today, as I was running around and cleaning and being productive, my darling Bud--Josiah text me. He hasn't actually text me or anything since the break up. Which I completely understand. But today.. he did--as curious as that is. He text me to see how I was doing and I loved that, it made my day. I love that kid, he's an amazing young man. He's the nephew I never had. As our conversation went on he brought up the whole situation between his uncle and I. And I obviously couldn't ignore that and lie to him; I did my best to explain to him what happened--he asked me to tell him the story of what happened. What broke my heart was when he said he didn't know how he felt about it, and he said that when his uncle and I were together that we really seemed to be in love and he didn't get why it was over. I went on to explain that we were in love, and I still love him today but that I was respecting and honoring his decision to wait and see what God has in store for us.

I will never stop loving that family, they will always have my heart.
<3 May