I'm so filled up right now. Like I hardly can sit still to type this.
I just have to though. haha So much glory. I'm so thankful. Like I'm thankful to pieces, to tears I'm so thankful. I'm loved. I'm worth it. I was worth dying for. My best friend: Jesus:) He died for me, when he asked Papa if there was any other way he remembered me. Because I'm his favorite. He loves me. There's so much more than that though. I have the most amazing support here. My sisters, my brothers, my fiance. They all believe in me and that right there is what I live for. That's what keeps me going. The fact that I can share my heart with them and they can speak life, prophesy, and just show that they care and love me; for who Papa created me to be. I can be myself. I can share what's on my heart, what's hurting me, what I'm praying for, I can go to them for and with anything and everything. That right there is what my life is about. Thank you Daddy, for all of them.
From Danni & Morgan, to Philip Stuart, to Samantha Andrea, Alexander, Walter Abraham, Heather Brynn, Steph, Erin, Krys, Tina, Lori, and Alex. They all just support and believe in me and I know that they are here for me, and that's all I can ever ask for. That means more to me than an physical present. I just love them, and they love me.
Blessed a bunch
May<3
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Mother/ Daughter phone calls
I love her. I love her more than I can even! I just can't take it, it breaks my heart talking to her. She's so negative & everything she talks to me about is just what she knows; my fiance, my money, me visiting & supposedly not wanting to spend time with her, & gossip about our family or whatever. It makes me crazy! I do everything I can to keep cool. It is just soo incredibly hard because I wanna yell because she attacks me with everything & then she plays the victim in every situation. I just want her to feel what it is to be loved & feel joy & peace in her life. She doesn't know that their is life better than hers. It kills me. I feel like a big baby, but I can't help it. This is my mom, I don't even care that I cry every time I get off of the phone with her or that I cry myself to sleep some nights praying my heart out for her. I refuse to sit here & let the enemy have a hold on my mom & my family. It's not okay. I have a life to live abundantly & that include my FAMILY that means my inheritance. That means the people that I'm connected to can be under my umbrella, they can have my anointing, they can have my fire, my peace, my joy, my love. Because that's mine. & I took back what the enemy stole from me not only for myself but for the people who don't know how to take it back for themselves. But they can only ride on my passion, & my fire for so long before it runs out for them. I'm doing everything I can to love her, love her like crazy; intentionally. Because she is important, she is beautiful, she is worth it--so worth it that He died, she's amazing, & funny, & lovely, & loving & caring. My mom is so much more than she settles for. She lets people's words & actions dictate her emotions like it's nobody's business. I'm saying STOP. NOW. This is my mother, the one person who loved me before anyone else, this is the person who has always been there no matter what. I don't even have other words. Danny Silk put it perfectly the other day when he spoke.
"Don't show them your anger & frustration, show them your broken heart."
No one understands how I feel specifically, even trying to sympathize with me isn't enough for me. I just need extra prayer & strength. I'm persevering to the promise Papa gave me. I believe in my mom.
This is my family, & I will not see it fall apart.
From the brokenness of a loving daughter.
May<3
"Don't show them your anger & frustration, show them your broken heart."
No one understands how I feel specifically, even trying to sympathize with me isn't enough for me. I just need extra prayer & strength. I'm persevering to the promise Papa gave me. I believe in my mom.
This is my family, & I will not see it fall apart.
From the brokenness of a loving daughter.
May<3
Friday, November 4, 2011
I'm living intentionally.
Who and where would I be if I wasn't living intentionally? What I be doing and how would I be feeling if I didn't step up, and step out of my comfort zone to go outside of myself to make a difference, build relationships, strengthen relationships, and make connections.
Tonight wasn't just a early Thanksgiving dinner with my Bethel family here. It was so so much more than that. It is easy to see and say that the Lord was definitely present tonight at our little family dinner party, but it was more than that. We didn't only eat dinner, we spent quality time together. We got to cook together, laugh, talk, eat, watch a movie, and just reach out to each other. Tonight I grew myself more than ever, not me exactly but I felt the Holy Spirit so evident in my countenance tonight. I am not the same person I used to be. I stepped out. I decided that I want to love people and show and share my heart as much as I can. Not saying that I'm gonna be BEST FRIENDS with every person I meet, but I know who I am and that I'm here with these people in my life and path for such a time as this. I'm gonna take advantage of that. I'm gonna be intentional and steward this gift and be thankful and absolutely grateful for this time, place, these people, and these opportunities. Every day is never promised, every breath is a special gift given from Papa, a chance, a new day, nothing is a coincedence, and Papa places specific people in your life for a specific reason--which means on purpose, intentionally. If I didn't step out I wouldn't be able to do my job. Every person has something that someone else needs. We aren't taking on burdens, we're taking on our burdens, we are a family and body of Christ. We are never alone, we are always there for each other, in every way. No worry. Because you should never be afraid to be who you are. For this specific time or season.
It's time to break out of yourself, because your own breakthroughs are others' breakthroughs as well.
May <3
Tonight wasn't just a early Thanksgiving dinner with my Bethel family here. It was so so much more than that. It is easy to see and say that the Lord was definitely present tonight at our little family dinner party, but it was more than that. We didn't only eat dinner, we spent quality time together. We got to cook together, laugh, talk, eat, watch a movie, and just reach out to each other. Tonight I grew myself more than ever, not me exactly but I felt the Holy Spirit so evident in my countenance tonight. I am not the same person I used to be. I stepped out. I decided that I want to love people and show and share my heart as much as I can. Not saying that I'm gonna be BEST FRIENDS with every person I meet, but I know who I am and that I'm here with these people in my life and path for such a time as this. I'm gonna take advantage of that. I'm gonna be intentional and steward this gift and be thankful and absolutely grateful for this time, place, these people, and these opportunities. Every day is never promised, every breath is a special gift given from Papa, a chance, a new day, nothing is a coincedence, and Papa places specific people in your life for a specific reason--which means on purpose, intentionally. If I didn't step out I wouldn't be able to do my job. Every person has something that someone else needs. We aren't taking on burdens, we're taking on our burdens, we are a family and body of Christ. We are never alone, we are always there for each other, in every way. No worry. Because you should never be afraid to be who you are. For this specific time or season.
It's time to break out of yourself, because your own breakthroughs are others' breakthroughs as well.
May <3
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"I just close my eyes and pray"
I love you kid. Seriously. I don't even think you realize that you are so loved. Not even by your family around you, but Papa God. The one that loves you more than anything. You talk about feeling useless and the people you care about walking out on you or just not being there when you feel you need them the most. Look to the one who desperately loves you, everything about you; the real you.
It breaks my heart. To see people who have more potential than they seriously realize. To see people being destructive with their precious, important, predestined, world changing, ridiculously impacting lives. It's like their wasting something so beautiful, something beloved.
Dad just says; "look up, come up higher. Let me take you away. Let me show you what life is really about. Let me teach you what an abundant and real life looks like". Not just the glass "looking" half full, but overflowing with more than you can even keep for yourself, but leaking over all of the people around you.
Please, just open your eyes. Or close them and talk to Dad. Go back into His arms, find your way back home, where you belong.
You are loved, you are special, you are amazing, you are incredible, you're not a sinner, you're a saint, you're more than you are settling for, stop chasing what isn't for you. There's a reason this world doesn't fit you and isn't good enough for you. You're heaven sent.
Your sister,
May<3
It breaks my heart. To see people who have more potential than they seriously realize. To see people being destructive with their precious, important, predestined, world changing, ridiculously impacting lives. It's like their wasting something so beautiful, something beloved.
Dad just says; "look up, come up higher. Let me take you away. Let me show you what life is really about. Let me teach you what an abundant and real life looks like". Not just the glass "looking" half full, but overflowing with more than you can even keep for yourself, but leaking over all of the people around you.
Please, just open your eyes. Or close them and talk to Dad. Go back into His arms, find your way back home, where you belong.
You are loved, you are special, you are amazing, you are incredible, you're not a sinner, you're a saint, you're more than you are settling for, stop chasing what isn't for you. There's a reason this world doesn't fit you and isn't good enough for you. You're heaven sent.
Your sister,
May<3
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
It's all an excuse because we love eachother.
We fight, we argue, we love, we joke.
It's not perfect, but that doesn't even matter.
All that matters is that I'm in love with him deeply, & I know that we're perfect for eachother, together, forever, always.
That's what matters.
It's not perfect, but that doesn't even matter.
All that matters is that I'm in love with him deeply, & I know that we're perfect for eachother, together, forever, always.
That's what matters.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Sting.
Frustrated..
I don't like arguing. That's a given, cause I'm quite sure no one enjoys it, even if you're out of your mind.
Today was a good day. Not saying that this little thing has ruined my day, but still. It certainly put a damper on it.
I had my day all planned out, & I'm pretty darn excited about it. But then on text messaged that. I hate upsetting my fiance. It hurts me. It makes me feel like it's my fault, even if I didn't do anything. I love him, & he shouldn't be upset. I don't even know what to do. It doesn't help that the reason he's upset is because of one of my best friends. That's unfair right there. It's not like he's telling me not to have friends or hang out with them, he just told me he feels off when I'm around him. Not like I was alone with him or anything, there was a group of us, & there naturally always is a group of us together, because of boundaries. & the fact that we're just a family of friends & that's it. But for my fiance to tell me that he was upset because of this hurt me. Not only because it hurt him, but because he didn't even explain to me what it was, not to mention when I go home for thanksgiving my best friends are going home with me. What then? What happens when my fiances meets him & has to hang around him for a week? I've asked before if it made him uncomfortable, I've asked if it was okay that he came to celebrate thanksgiving with us. I asked if he didn't like it or not. He said that it was fine. I'm not letting this affect my entire day, I refuse for that to happen, but still. The last thing he text me was:
"Spend time with the Lord, speak in tongues and get a really good cup of coffee."
So here I am, taking it out on my blog, drinking coffee, with my worship playing, & my journal & Bible in arms reach. Quiet time here I come.
Proverbs 15:18 "A hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."
Proverbs 17:14 "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."
Proverbs 17:19 "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
Proverbs 18:1 "An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels."
Proverbs 20:3 "It is to on'es honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."
I don't like arguing. That's a given, cause I'm quite sure no one enjoys it, even if you're out of your mind.
Today was a good day. Not saying that this little thing has ruined my day, but still. It certainly put a damper on it.
I had my day all planned out, & I'm pretty darn excited about it. But then on text messaged that. I hate upsetting my fiance. It hurts me. It makes me feel like it's my fault, even if I didn't do anything. I love him, & he shouldn't be upset. I don't even know what to do. It doesn't help that the reason he's upset is because of one of my best friends. That's unfair right there. It's not like he's telling me not to have friends or hang out with them, he just told me he feels off when I'm around him. Not like I was alone with him or anything, there was a group of us, & there naturally always is a group of us together, because of boundaries. & the fact that we're just a family of friends & that's it. But for my fiance to tell me that he was upset because of this hurt me. Not only because it hurt him, but because he didn't even explain to me what it was, not to mention when I go home for thanksgiving my best friends are going home with me. What then? What happens when my fiances meets him & has to hang around him for a week? I've asked before if it made him uncomfortable, I've asked if it was okay that he came to celebrate thanksgiving with us. I asked if he didn't like it or not. He said that it was fine. I'm not letting this affect my entire day, I refuse for that to happen, but still. The last thing he text me was:
"Spend time with the Lord, speak in tongues and get a really good cup of coffee."
So here I am, taking it out on my blog, drinking coffee, with my worship playing, & my journal & Bible in arms reach. Quiet time here I come.
Proverbs 15:18 "A hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."
Proverbs 17:14 "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."
Proverbs 17:19 "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.
Proverbs 18:1 "An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels."
Proverbs 20:3 "It is to on'es honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."
Sunday, October 30, 2011
That wonderful, beautiful moment.
I live this life the best that I can. Dead to myself. Why? Because I am alive to Christ.
My life is a mess of amazing adventure, & I highly enjoy it. I'm incredibly thankful. I adore my life, I'm so grateful, because my Papa God is so faithful, through it all, in every part of my life.
There aren't enough words in all the human languages to describe.
What blows my mind is that Papa loves me. He has a place for me, in His heart. & He wants me there. He keeps me close to His heart, as the apple of His eye. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. He is pleased with me, & proud of me. He lavishes His delight on me. He fills me up & uses me as a vessel to pour out. My heart, my soul, my mind, my love, my presence should leak that.
There are several people that have been specifically hand picked to walk this crazy life with me; along side me. Pushing me, encouraging me, loving me, & sharing this life with me--these experiences.
For me, I'm not very big on public displays of affection. That's just not me. But I just felt on my heart that I had to write & so here it is. My fiance knows for a fact that I never do this, if he read this, it would be a big shock to him. First of all, I myself hardly even show my emotions or explain how I feel much. Not that I bottle anything up, but it is difficult for me, years of practice being careful & not trusting is the excuse. Of course, I have gotten much better at opening up, but still it's not the easiest for me, & even now I am cautious of who I tell & share certain parts of my heart with.
Now, with all of this said. I am just so thankful. For life, for love, for peace, for joy, for grace. & there is one person on this earth that I know I am thankful for at such an in depth level that I had to take time to point it out; in a blog. His name is: Philip Stuart. He's the most amazing man. He is my other half. Tonight we talked before bed; which we always do, & I just listened. The entire phone call, I hardly spoke. Not because I was sad, upset, or sleepy, or anything. I just sat there on the couch & listened to everything that he had to say. The craziest thing to me was that while he spoke I just patiently sat & as I did quietly, I felt Jesus surround me in his arms. His arms around me, holding me, & my head rested on his chest. The lyrics: "I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hands, lay back against you and breathe, it's overwhelming" played over & over as I listened to this wonderful man whom I love spoke about his heart & what his day consisted of. This week we had encounters & amazing speakers at school whom really spoke things that totes resonated in my heart & for my life. One amazingly anointed woman said this: "God is God the Father, Jesus is the form of your spouse, & the Holy Spirit is the female version of God." & with that, I remember the first thing that I felt inside of me was this: "You love like a Father, you love like a brother, you love like a lion, fierce like no other. You violently chase me, down to embrace me, engulf me in who you are."
Relationship man, it is all about relationship. I don't have other words. This was just something a little random that was on my heart & had to express & share.
Just that wonderful, beautiful, thankful, loving moment.
May<3<3
My life is a mess of amazing adventure, & I highly enjoy it. I'm incredibly thankful. I adore my life, I'm so grateful, because my Papa God is so faithful, through it all, in every part of my life.
There aren't enough words in all the human languages to describe.
What blows my mind is that Papa loves me. He has a place for me, in His heart. & He wants me there. He keeps me close to His heart, as the apple of His eye. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. He is pleased with me, & proud of me. He lavishes His delight on me. He fills me up & uses me as a vessel to pour out. My heart, my soul, my mind, my love, my presence should leak that.
There are several people that have been specifically hand picked to walk this crazy life with me; along side me. Pushing me, encouraging me, loving me, & sharing this life with me--these experiences.
For me, I'm not very big on public displays of affection. That's just not me. But I just felt on my heart that I had to write & so here it is. My fiance knows for a fact that I never do this, if he read this, it would be a big shock to him. First of all, I myself hardly even show my emotions or explain how I feel much. Not that I bottle anything up, but it is difficult for me, years of practice being careful & not trusting is the excuse. Of course, I have gotten much better at opening up, but still it's not the easiest for me, & even now I am cautious of who I tell & share certain parts of my heart with.
Now, with all of this said. I am just so thankful. For life, for love, for peace, for joy, for grace. & there is one person on this earth that I know I am thankful for at such an in depth level that I had to take time to point it out; in a blog. His name is: Philip Stuart. He's the most amazing man. He is my other half. Tonight we talked before bed; which we always do, & I just listened. The entire phone call, I hardly spoke. Not because I was sad, upset, or sleepy, or anything. I just sat there on the couch & listened to everything that he had to say. The craziest thing to me was that while he spoke I just patiently sat & as I did quietly, I felt Jesus surround me in his arms. His arms around me, holding me, & my head rested on his chest. The lyrics: "I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hands, lay back against you and breathe, it's overwhelming" played over & over as I listened to this wonderful man whom I love spoke about his heart & what his day consisted of. This week we had encounters & amazing speakers at school whom really spoke things that totes resonated in my heart & for my life. One amazingly anointed woman said this: "God is God the Father, Jesus is the form of your spouse, & the Holy Spirit is the female version of God." & with that, I remember the first thing that I felt inside of me was this: "You love like a Father, you love like a brother, you love like a lion, fierce like no other. You violently chase me, down to embrace me, engulf me in who you are."
Relationship man, it is all about relationship. I don't have other words. This was just something a little random that was on my heart & had to express & share.
Just that wonderful, beautiful, thankful, loving moment.
May<3<3
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