Hurt.

It is like your heart being ripped into a thousand tiny pieces.
You have pain. Pain and past hurts.
From so many different things.
Everything. Life in itself causes pain and hurt.
There is hurt and there is pain.
Hand in hand they affect each heart and soul that has and will ever exist.
No matter how old you get, no matter where you are or where you go.
There is pain.
The pain that can take hold some days more than others.
Pain that you can sometimes escape and almost forget completely.
It however. Still exists.
The one thing people do not realize. The one thing people do not consider is this.
There is hope. There is joy.
Joy which transforms itself from suffering.
Hope that turns into love.
The greatest of all these. The most important. The most crucial.
The healing of all hurt.
It is love alone.
Love can conquer.
Without love there is no life.
Life without love is not life at all. It is merely existing.
Love covers all. It overcomes whatever there is to combat it.
It covers all hurt. All pain.
Every scar, every cut that every being is so rightly guilty of inflicting.
Intentionally or unintentionally.
There is hurt. I feel hurt. I feel alone. I feel losst. I feel without.
The hurt and the pain are covered and put away.
But it does not mean that they did not happen. It has become a part.
Part of past. Past that will remain in the past.
The past that does not affect my future and my today.

Wonder.

Curiousity sometimes gets the better of me on days like this.
It could most likely be the effect of it'll have been a year in two weeks probably.


I find it so strange though.
Just to think. I could be married right now. Or just engaged still. But I let go and chose to listen to God instead.
I know that I made the right decision. I know that my family and my friends are proud of me for making such a huge decision by myself. But I still wonder.

What if it all worked out?
What if we really decided to stay together. What if he was still coming home to spend Thanksgiving with me next month? What would it have been like to have a ring on my finger announcing to the world--all my friends and family that I was his. That we decided to be married. To become one.

I don't pretend to say that I was in love with him. I won't ever say that I was. But I'll admit if I would have let it get far enough I could have fallen harder than I had. I know that God had it all under control. I know that He didn't let it get that far for a reason. Because He and I are completely opposites. It never would have worked. We would never be able to connect.

I want a husband who loves me, for me. For every ridiculous thing I do and say. Who notices the little things no one else does. I want a prince charming, a superman, a spiderman of my own. Yes I do believe that MY SUPERMAN exists. I don't care what anyone else has to say about it. Because I know that I was not made to be alone. There is a perfect guy out there for me. And that's why I'm not looking. I know that in the right season and due time the Lord will send him to me. I know that he's amazing and God has a huge calling on his life. Right now isn't the time however. I know that I'll know when I see him. But I also know that God has a huge calling on both of us; together. Right now we're apart and God is doing great things in both of us and using us and stretching and preparing us. But I know that when we're together the anointing will be double the portion.

I think, I wonder, and I get curious about what could have happened to the man I was engaged to. But I know that the Lord is with me. He wants me to be happy. He has the best for me. And he will never forsake me. He is faithful to what he has promised me. I believe that. And so I am trusting him. Wholeheartedly I trust him.